Silencio

Mis horas productivas son de 4 a 7 am, se sabe.
Entiendo que es porque hay silencio y las distracciones se acaban. Pero hoy me he dado cuenta que el silencio que logro no es que todo este quieto afuera.

Nota mental: El siyelncio que se demora tanto en llegar par concentrarme y producir, es el silencio de adentro. Necesito quema cerebro y mi corazón dejen de hacer ruido y eso toma mucho, mucho tiempo.

Manic Pixie Dream

(The good thing about mental notes, or at least these ones, is that sometimes even when you disagree with your past self or you find her utterly immature, you can appreciate the long road that the journey has taken you in)

Anyway, not one of those days.
I ask myself often in how many pieces I am broken. And how I just can't living without a community but I can't grasp love and humanity and want people and be wanted in return.  I wish I could live fully in the manic pixie world, happily embodying the manic pixie girl that allow the protagonist t grow and continues to live without noticeable change or growth, mantaintaining a quirky existence that is adorable and endearing.

Mental note:  no matter if I perceive people looking at me like that, I am not a manic pixie dream girl.  One day I will learn to be real to others, and not just adorable and quirky. In the meantime, press on and battle feelings with truths.

Some women

I have seen them as sisters of love interests of mine or partners of some of my friends. Mainly, the kind of woman lots of guys end up marrying to. Great guys by the way.

They have this subdued look, nonchalant attitude, humble and not necessarily special. They do not pay too much attention to how they dress or look yet they are still beautiful. Not exceedingly beautiful though. You cannot really grasp what they really think, but you can tell they are not dumb. They sport a conservative look and aura, but surprise you with a passion for human rights of some sort. They usually don't boast about it, but they are either geniuses in disguise or fairly competent in their good -but not top- job position.  They tend to be pale and slim, with a clean and fair face but I am sure they must come in other shapes and colours. 

How do they do it is beyond me. Maybe it is genetic. I admire them, and they are certainly lovely so it is even harder to be properly jealous of them or hate them. But I cannot seem to be friends with them either.

They seem to be the perfect partner, but you can also be assured they have somewhat acquired their individuality. Are these the real virtuous women? Is it just me and my friends who just look like a group of freaks? Or is it me trapped in this interstitial state of immaturity, a limbo that does not allow me to grow up?

Because of course they are younger!

Mental now: Find a way to know how these women do it.  Out of curiosity of course,  there's no point in trying to be someone who you are not supposed to. 

Superar el enamoramiento

Yo no queria. Juro que esta vez no queria. Y en un sentido no quiero. Porque ese crush se sentia como una respuesta a mis oraciones, con poca gente comparto tantas cosas en comun. Y mi aferre al enamoramiento, y quise de verdad. Pero un dia me di cuenta que realmente no iba a ser posible. Pero seguia aferrada.
Que hacer, que hacer, cuando no son tanto las hormonas pero los sentimientos los alborotados?

Un dia lo descubri, y funcciono. Y ore y llore y me libere. Y me prepare para cuando llegara el momento de decir adios y de otra vez ver que esa persona con quien me imaginaba una historia, comenzaba sus dias acompañado de otra. Y el momento llego.
Me di cuenta un poco antes de que llegara, como quien siente el olor de la lluvia que se avecina. Entonces me dedique a entregar y a llorar. Y aqui estoy, sorprendida de que no duele demasiado....y queya es facil seguir adelanta.
Lo mas bonito es que no me quebro la esperanza, esa comedida y a veces adolescente esperanza.

Nota mental: Cuando el enamoramiento es prolongado, cuando se vuelve amor no correspondido...lo mejor es orar. Suena tonto pero ora todos los dias por ti, ora por esa persona. Desinteresadamente (en la medida de lo posible) ora por su bienestar, ora por tu corazón. Y en que en ambos reine Dios.

Dios sana, Dios restaura, Dios nos guía.

Homesick guilt

I just realised that I'm afraid of tell people I miss them. I feel guilty to hint to the world that I may be homesick.
It is irrational, borderline stupid, but here I am. In the back of my mind (my subconscious it's just a beautiful, complex little thing) I think that homesickness is a weakness; that missing the ones I left behind makes me undeserving of being where I am now. That I should be tough and suck it up if I want to remain here. That missing means that I have to go back...
And it's not that I don't want to go back. But I just don't want to leave.
There are people and little routines that make the mundane tasks of everyday life an amazing moment. Having dinner, singing, driving around, going to the shops, serving God together...the mere idea of leaving them now breaks my heart.
And I feel guilty for feeling that way. I believe that I should just be thankful for the experiences past and present, for those will shape my future. And I am incredibly grateful but the sweetness of this easy life, the balm that this year has been in my recently fractured soul has left me wanting more.
I am aware that I am in fact undeserving, which is why I fear to dream of wanting more of this, to miss them, to stick around a little bit longer. And to miss the ones I left behind.

Nota mental: Today I don't know what to say to myself. I'm not sure that the "pressing on" attitude it is the right approach. But that's all you (I) have to survive at the moment. May God provide you with wisdom.

Mentiras

Se cuál es mi valor.
Soy insegura, es cierto. Pero he llegado a un nivel de auto conocimiento que me permite estar tranquila conmigo misma.
Sin embargo...
Aún, en el fondo de mi cabeza, hay una mentira que no logro sacar. Siento que toda mi vida se arreglaría si no fuera gorda, si no me mantuviera siempre como con 10 o 15 kilos de más sería bella. Tendría menos problemas, las puertas se me abrirían y ya no sería esquivo el amor.
Se que es mentira, y la verdad no lo creo pero quedó grabado en mi subconsciente porque fui criada en una sociedad que me dice que el valor esta en mi imagen, criada por gente que tambien sufria por su imagen. Y esas mentiras aparecen justo cuando comienzo a creer que puedo ser atractiva para alguien... En fin.

Nota mental: Mi identidad no está en mi imagen mi valor no está en ser flaca o gorda. Mi identidad está en Jesús. Y aunque no me guste como me vea en las fotos, eso no es lo más importante.

Unrequited

Yes. Unrequited love.

How to deal with it?

I knew I should have stopped paying attention as soon as I felt I was being very obvious. I'm very good at disguising my feelings, but I don't want to do it anymore. I know I should stop because I know he takes a like on someone else.

how should I stop feeling I'm so much inferior to the one he supposedly fancies? How should I stop thinking that we could take on a lifetime adventure together? How can I stop daydreaming about children, and traveling, and glorifying God at his side?

I think I can do it, but I have oh so little desire to. I'm learning to live with that idea but the fact is...I don't want to. It does not feel right.

Nota Mental: Try to let go while you can.